Found My Wall

Last night was really hard.  Though Taeya has done very well, the culmination of the past several days hit me.  I was walking through the lobby, filled with people on a busy weekday, as all weekdays are around here.  It feels like we have been here for a month.  It's hard to believe it's just been 4 days up in Denver.

I had thought Heather was staying until Sunday, but she told me she was leaving today.  The fear of losing Taeya, being alone, the finances of all of this, etc., all hit.  My comfort has been iced decaf coffee and the coffee place was closed.  I pulled a muscle in my back sleeping on a pull out couch after nights of no sleep.  There have been newborn little babies all around us crying, in I assume what is discomfort, and a little 5 year old heart patient in the same open bay as Taeya that had a rough day.  (As I type, a four day old little girl with an AVSD repair and other very complicated issues is just miserable.)

There is no shortage of a need for prayer. 

When I walked in on pre op day, I felt totally alone - like no one knew what this felt like.  I looked up, just in front of the balloon boy in the entrance and a mom was walking around with a vacant look on her tear-stained face.  I knew in that moment I was wrong.  There are plenty moms here that know the fear and emptiness of the unknown, especially where your child is concerned.

All the emotion hit at one time and I completely broke down - Will Taeya be okay?  Will she really heal?  How will I ever leave her again?  How can I not leave her with my situation the way it is?  How can You trust me to face this, Lord?  I am too weak, too poor, too ill equipped.  Sick children are for your strongest parents.  For those parents that pray great prayers and walk solid lives.

Wrong.  Wrong thought pattern.  Wrong assumption.  Look at that mom.  She doesn't know where to turn; wandering through the lobby alone.  Such a familiar look on her face.  And she stopped.  She locked eyes with me and we exchanged pain, fear, loneliness through the open space between us.

Danny was saying something to Heather, but it all blotted out as she walked up to me.

Looking at Danny's computer bag with the Insight Schools insignia, she said, "Excuse me.  Do you go to Insight?  Have you ever done any of their field trips?  I just wondered if you like it.  We live in Pueblo and can't get up to Denver much".

"Yeah, I like it a lot.  But we've never done a field trip", Danny said.

"I just wondered.  We live in Pueblo and can't get up here often".

"We were going to go to the Denver zoo with the school, but didn't make it up here either.  We're from the Springs.  Did you go", I asked her.

"No, we live in Pueblo and we can't get up here."

Three times she said that, then her eyes erupted with tears long held back.  "My daughter had surgery today.  It didn't work.  Her liver doesn't work.  She's 17 and we live in Pueblo.  We can't get up here. We've been here at Childrens for a week.  We spent one week at the University hospital.  I have 8 kids, and I've been here 2 weeks now."

By now she was broken.  I sat her down and started praying.  She mumbled something about attending a Mormon church.  So what.  I continued to pray.  She started to calm down and wrote down her room number.  She asked if I'd come see her.  "Of course".  She cried and hugged me saying she didn't know what she would do, but was thankful to have found someone to talk to. 

My pastor from California used to say that paying tithe is good because it puts and drain hole on your greed.  Prayer for others does the same thing.  Suddenly my feelings of being alone with a sick baby faded a bit in the company of a mom-turned-warrior.  Suddenly I wasn't so self absorbed.  I could see Taeya healing.  I could see progress.  I could see our Father's mercy for this mom from Pueblo, living in a Childrens hospital 2 hours from her little ones, up here caring for her eldest baby with an illness no one has yet figured out.  I could see our Father's mercy for this mommy up here in Denver with my littlest while my others are down in Colorado Springs and somehow know that He is watching over me, as He's watching over her, as He's watching over you. 

"He's got my little bitty baby, in His hands,
He's got her grown up little baby, in His hands,
He's got your little bity babies, in His hands,
He's got the whole world in His hands"

I hit my wall as He penetrated my heart.  I am ever so thankful, as is that mom, that I have Someone to talk to, too.